Joy of Joys

Two weeks ago I was finally able to hear my baby's heartbeat. Although I'm still early in the pregnancy, that little heartbeat had been a long time coming.

Brian and I had been admitted to a local ER one Sunday night over a month ago. This isn't one of those
" I thought I ate some bad tofu, Doctor- but it turned out I was pregnant!" stories ; ) We had already known for a week that we were expecting when the symptoms began. Four hours and several indicative examinations into the night, the attending was concerned with what he was seeing. We were transferred to a neighboring city hospital with a full obstetrics floor for further testing. It was a menagerie of stress and worry. Blood work, multiple ultrasounds, exams, all before four in the morning. It was exactly the right environment for only one possible positive: prayer. It required every bit of attention and focus to keep my mind from wandering and thinking the worst. It took repeated dedication through each different bombshell to remain fixed on The Truth. With Brian holding my hand and praying with me, we said "yes" to the only healthy opportunity we had and that was choosing what we believed about our God in that time. The wilderness of our lives are only desperate, ignorant lands when we wander them alone and I am a firm believer that The Lord leads His beloved children into the wilderness out of love. He thinks us and makes us worthy for that critical- absolute dependency time. It's a honor if you can see it.

Two years prior I found myself in a similar situation, crying on a hospital bed with a Doctor finally asking, "You didn't wan't any more kids, did you?" I was the 0.1% of women studied who had an adverse reaction to a silicone IUD. My husband and I had a text book healthy pregnancy four years ago with our first and after the advising of a trusted midwife I went forward with an IUD. Growing up, I was the girl who would get an infection if my earrings weren't gold studded, what on Earth made me think I wouldn't have a problem with this? Perhaps because I have a high pain tolerance It was only after I had incurred serious medical problems that I investigated my health. Several Doctors had seen me and there I was, told I probably wouldn't be able to support more children. I shouldn't even try. This is what I believed for the last few years.

WIth the ungodly fear of this years-old diagnosis, I accepted my condition with little grace. I was sad, self-defeating, shamed that I focused so much on what I couldn't have when I could have redirected that onto my living and healthy child (don't get me wrong, he's showered plenty with love ; ) ). This Spring The Holy Spirit provided me fresh confidence and some wisdom. "Who said you couldn't have more children?" The HS whispered in my ear one afternoon. In the years time The Holy Spirit had grown in me a ferocious motherly heart for a brood of kids biological or not. It made no difference. I had learned that I wanted to adopt. His grace revealed to me that He had made me to desire adoption. What an amazing way for The Lord to stretch and challenge this Mama's heart; still- the joy and excitement I feel about it is powerful. When He strongly asserted that HE decided life- open and closed wombs- He proceeded to tell me to live my life putting my medical faith no one but Him. "I decide, daughter. No Doctor. No one." Faith.

When The Lord speaks I listen. When The Lord speaks like thatI believe Him. I wasn't afraid, not because I had any such promise of a healthy pregnancy or any pregnancy for that matter. I wasn't afraid because He planned this journey. Something incredible, someway, was going to come of it. Whatever it was. Within a month we were expecting and within the week of finding out we were in a hospital. Crunch time. Sitting outside of the hospital in my car, on my last lab/exam day of the week of observation and bedrest, I turned off the radio and planned to head inside. They thought there could be multiples. The ultrasounds were complex. They thought ectopic. They thought scarring. They thought, they thought. Until we could hear that heartbeat and see that baby it was a bunch of "they thought". Just as I was stepping out of my door The Lord said, "Hang on. Close the door. Talk to me."
"Now?" I asked, "I trust you. Whatever happens. We can talk after," I assured Him. Silly me.
He said, "This isn't about what happens in there. It's about what happens in here- you and me. Daughter, it's time."
"For what?" I asked.
"It's time to decide what you believe about me," He replied.
" You know what I believe about you. You know who I know you are. You are my God. THE perfect God. Your plans are your own and I can't know them. I trust you. Whatever my life is. You have known that my whole life with you."
"What about the real issue?" He was serious. I knew what He was referring to. I began to cry.
" I believe YOU have made me into a mother, not the child I already have. You've given me a mother's heart. A vastly massively huge and juicy heart for children, whomever they are- whenever, however they are. YOU have given me this desire. And I know that you do not give us desires which are in keeping with your will only to kill them. You gave me this desire and I believe you will fulfill it and you already have. I am the mother you made me to be to any and all children. You won't squash who you've made me to be."
I was trying to cry daintily as people clamored into the parked car next to me.
"You've got it, daughter. You will always be the mother I made you and nothing will take away the gift you already have. The truth is the promise has already been fulfilled. You've already got it."
Signed. Sealed. Delivered. That was the point of the entire week. That was the healing of years of fear and questioning. That was The Final Word. I wasn't nervous about the Doctor's visit. It mattered but it didn't matter the way it did just an hour earlier. God was already allowing me live out my gift from Him.

Two weeks ago we heard our little baby's heartbeat and it was a strong as it could be. Right on time. The heart fluttered on the screen. Everything looked as healthy as if none of the last two years concerns had meant anything. The Lord's serious and deep love for His creation was the prize of this ordeal, that gorgeous little life on the screen- that was the icing on the cake.