Responsibility

Recently, some friends and I got into a conversation on responsibility. Initially, I reflected on the topic with a sort of thoughtful appreciation but resided to be a listener rather than a partaker; it didn't seem that inspiring a theme to stir any passionate input. We have all considered responsibility, our own, those of others, duty, privilege, chores, etc. "Yeah, I've got those," I respectfully nodded as my friend delved into conversation. As more of us began to elaborate on and dissect the point, a slew of realizations actualized for me, painting a much more purposeful perspective on a subject I have taken for granted. Growing up the eldest of four, child of divorce, survivor of abuse, I adopted (what I now refer to as) a mutated definition of responsibility. Many first borns will attest there is a hyper-maturity load naturally taken on whether one grew up in a completely healthy environment or not. In my case, the elements of self perfection and protection of my younger siblings contorted into your standard, textbook control issues. According to the Megan dictionary, my learned definition of responsibility was:

re-spon-si-bil-i-ty noun \ri-ˌspän(t)-sə-ˈbi-lə-tē\ 1. An unhealthy attachment to a desired outcome.

Taking this little gem with me well into my adulthood proved to instigate more challenges and disappointments. Every choice I made in relationships, friendships, or regarding myself was colored with obsessive consideration to the outcome. I began managing and/or enabling others around me. I was the great chameleon adapting my actions and choices to suit a specific result. It wasn't until my early twenties that I began to unlearn this archaic definition and put on a wiser perspective. The "un-education" was not without growing pains. I resented all responsibilities, even the naturally healthy ones I owed myself. As I detached from the old ways, the new and healthy ways had yet to be identified as positive and not an energy drain as their counterparts were. Over time the two sorted out, resentment died and I embraced the privilege of self-care; of the purpose inherent in healthy responsibility. Through my own recovery I came to adopt a sort of mantra I ask myself before every decision affecting others:

Am I choosing this to illicit a specific desired outcome, to manipulate an illusion of control over or self protection from a specific outcome, or am I choosing this freely as giving a gift without fear attached?

I find the thirty seconds spent considering this has altered my postion completely. It has allowed me to make choices with the aid of boundaries, not stone walls. It has provided opportunities to take risks without suffering or anxiety. I can choose to take up responsibility for others when help is necessary, without a false sense of it being my burden but with a spirit of independent charity. Lastly, in consideration of the topic, I was reminded of something a supervisor once empowered me with years ago as a volunteer. I was working with families on welfare just after the reform. Down in the worst parts of Cincinnati I was volunteering as an educator at one of the local resource centers to explain the changes to people in the system. It was ultimately a very frustrating job. Of course the reform was confusing and restricting in brand new ways to people who were already battling odds but more frustrating still was the lack of motivation, the apathy exuding from the majority of the families I met with. I remember asking the co-ordinator what I could do to get these people to be proactive, more responsible. She answered definitively,

The one thing, the greatest thing you can do for them to encourage them to be more responsible is to give them responsibility.

Deep and wide wisdom here. Totally flew over my head as a 19 year old. Sitting on her words, philosophically playing with them, praying over them became the foundation for my understanding this phenomenon within our humanity which fulfills itself by itself. Responsibility offers the opportunity for dignity, for building self-worth by the self, of creating authentic opportunities to display trust and build trust. Sometimes the greatest thing we can do for others is to help them do for themselves. Not taking on their responsibilities was a duh moment for me and one of the most memorable nuggets of enlightenment the wisdom of The Holy Spirit could have given on the subject.